Today was great. Truly. It had a rough start, with a sleepless night of worrying about the first early-morning outing for my new rowers. I honestly don't think I slept at all, and was up, dressed, and fed at 5:30, which was 45 min before necessary! WTF.
But after that... I taught. All day. And you'll never believe the subjects!
Today's Timetable
6:15-8:45: How to Cycle to the Boat House, followed by Rowing 101 (taught by me screaming from atop my bike on the riverbank as the novices paddled/flailed by)
8:45-12:45: Introduction to Materials Science for Grade 6, including hands-on identify-this-metal projects. Followed closely by Fun with Liquid Nitrogen, followed closely by Don't Touch the Liquid Nitrogen, Kids. Audience: brilliant kids in a Cambridge school.
1-2: Introduction to the History of Science- a one-hour one-on-one "supervision" session with a 2nd-year undergrad geology major. Her assignment was to debate with me about the validity of the name "Scientific Revolution". She wrote me an email beforehand that said "A debate with a supervisor? That sounds scary." (But I'm not sure who was more scared beforehand, her or me...)
I don't think I've talked this much in one day before. Ever. After the supervision I had to go hide in a coffee shop with a book and not speak for a while... at least until the History of Medicine seminar began. :) But even there I got to listen and learn.
I always thought that teaching was the CULMINATION of being a student. Like you had to stop being a student before you were allowed to lead other students. It feels pretty ridiculous to be instructing people so close to my age. Don't they know that I don't know anything? And if not, isn't that a problem? I felt like an interloper all of last year, just waiting for someone to walk into the History of Science library and drag me out kicking and screaming because they confused my application with someone else's and I was never qualified enough to be here... and now I feel that way during every rowing outing and every seminar I lead and every supervision I give! Yikes. I talked to other grad students and fellow supervisors about it and they all said it's important to maintain confidence and never let students know when you're not sure. Wait- so I'm supposed to be a student, a teacher, AND an actor?! I didn't sign on for this... shouldn't students know when their informant is not reliable? Isn't that the entire thesis of my PhD and of the history of science, that no knowledge is foolproof?!
These humongous contradictions are everywhere, but I so love being a student AND a (pretendingly-confident) teacher. And both those roles are, duh, learners.
I guess I'll just try to fake-it-til-I-make-it, as they say. Maybe along the way I'll somehow figure out what the heck I'm supposed to know?!
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4 comments:
I love reading your thoughts, Caitlin! (That sounds like I have superpowers, huh.) Somehow, I think it's reassuring to be asking so many questions- it means you're an intelligent, skeptical, thoughtful, humble human being- aka a great scientist! Keep it up! :)
As long as you are enjoying it, being called upon to lead is the best compliment you can be paid.
I am glad that teaching is already such a big part of your PHD education. After all in many ways you will learn more from teaching than from being a student. And don't worry acting is a part of life, and don't forget Blarney is in your blood. And blarney is just a nice way of saying "I am good at BS-ing my way though something"
Weird did you know there is another Caitlin at Cambridge blog?? She has not been on since 2006 but won't it be interesting if you got in touch with her? http://caitlincambridge.blogspot.com/
I'm so excited that you are teaching. I can't imagine a better person to go before the rest of us into the realms of PhD studies including teaching assistantships! Another blog you might enjoy is http://scienceblogs.com/sciencewoman/. Enjoy and hope to see you in a few weeks!
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